just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
