Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
