so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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