why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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