So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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