If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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