Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
