you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
