Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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