You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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