Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
