I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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