I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
