Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
