I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
