One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
