he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
