she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
