I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
