I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
