That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
