if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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