The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
