you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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