If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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