I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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