You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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