Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
