1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
