i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am available for nakedness
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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