I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
