So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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