Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
