zippers are such a cool invention
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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