we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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