I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.