I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
whose parrot is this?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO