remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.