I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
