worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
