Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
