I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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