I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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