i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think your dad took our porno
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
