miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
