I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
