Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
