I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize