I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
