if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
