rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
