Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
