fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
