Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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