i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
