cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
