so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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