be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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