The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
