I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
oh god the rape fog is back!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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