I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
