Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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