next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
