There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
